Remember when you were a child and some random teacher told you: Careful, your face might freeze like that?
And you were totally confused by what it meant?
Couldn’t see the logic in it?
But were too afraid to ask how such freezing would actually happen?
That’s pretty much your entire life when you grow up in a South-Asian household.
Multiple times daily, your head’s filled with cautionary tales packed with manipulative motivation, designed to mold and viciously stuff your behaviour into the box your parents want you to fit in.
Today, let’s lay it all out in the open. Get it out of our collective systems. Laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Here’s everything I was wrongly advised as a child – what can you add?
The afterlife is a fire bath of suffering …
If you don’t pray for the dead, they’ll suffer. If you do something wrong, they’ll suffer. Let’s keep it simple: even though they’re dead, they’ll suffer because of you. So behave, ok?
Let’s not talk about their responsibility in this suffering they’re supposedly having in the afterlife. We won’t mention how hurt it makes you feel. And let’s equally ignore that this is thinly-disguised guilt trip made to manipulate you.
This way, I get pretty much whatever I want and you … well … you suffer …
But the quickest route to heaven …
… is saying the kalma right before you die. Every sin you’ve ever committed is totally forgiven.
That’s right. Whether you robbed a weak old lady, killed your neighbour or ‘forgot’ to pay your taxes. There’s only one way to guarantee heaven, son.
Under certain conditions, Satan Shaytan has free reign …
If you don’t wear a headscarf, Satan pees on your head.
To avoid Satan sitting on your prayer mat, turn the corner of it while it’s still on the floor.
What we won’t address is why this Satan character would even want to do any of this. What’s his motivation? Doesn’t he have more creative ideas to occupy his time?
Music, movies fun: all evil
Listening to music’s wrong. Dancing makes you a whore. Having fun, well … the less of that, the better.
And since we’re here, don’t you even contemplate putting any posters of your latest celebrity crush on your wall. The same goes for buying band t-shirts or any other ‘art’ featuring people.
They’re idols. And if their pictures are on your walls it automatically means you’re praying to them.
Mind your back
When someone’s reading the Quran, don’t turn your back to them. We can’t explain why, but we can tell you that it makes walking out of the room incredibly awkward.
Women, you’re responsible …
Cover yourselves. Don’t wear anything that attracts attention. You don’t want to turn a married man to have an affair or a single man to fornicate.
And yes, we’ll totally ignore the fact that you potentially-perhaps-maybe-on-a-Sunday-afternoon have the ability to feel sexually attracted to men.
You may have the ability, but our ignoring this fact means it simply doesn’t exist.
See also: cover your head when you eat.
Shoes, glorious shoes
You simply cannot allow one shoe to be placed on top of the other. Or when you put them down, make sure they’re in the same position as how you’d wear them.
This is yet to be verified but I’m told if you do put them down the wrong way, you’ll wake up to find your feet have also switched legs.
And yes, that’ll fuel some nightmares until you’re at least 14.
While we’re at it, don’t you dare allow the sole of your shoes (or feet) to face the sky. That’s where God is. Don’t offend him.
Do you have skillz?
Did you know that your future mother-in-law’s already pissed with you? That your future father-in-law’s already judging you, and your future husband’s already regretting marrying you?
Sure, you haven’t met yet, but they already hate you.
Curry. That’s why. You can’t cook it to our standards. End of.
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